How long until I reach breaking point?

8 Oct

Or am I already there? I honestly don’t know, but all of this is driving me round the bend right now more than words could explain. I couldn’t go to a concert that I’d been looking forward to for ages with my Mum last night, because yesterday I was in too much pain, too weak and unable to eat much without being creased in agony 20 minutes or so later. I feel like such a let down right now, it’s unbelievable. Some days, like for instance, at the moment, I don’t want to be who I am. I want an escape from all of this…you would have thought with nearly 14 years of never ending hell things would have finally picked up for the better, but oh no, it sure seems not. I thought I was past all of this by now, I thought I was past it all over 6 months ago at least.

After my shower today, I left the bathroom and my Mum and Dad spoke to me asking me if they think it would be best if I stayed at home and didn’t go to the concert. If anybody knows when I aren’t right, it’s Mum and Dad and my brother. They know when it’s serious. They know when I’ve had enough. We decided it was for the best that I didn’t go, it’s not like I even had the choice, I’m physically unable to do that at the moment without it causing me more pain and trouble, something I thought I’d never have to experience again after I had had my operation. It crumbles me, and it kills me inside that I’m feeling this again. I broke down on the stairs in tears, the feeling all too similar to how helpless I felt over a year ago. My brother came to give me a cuddle, and as usual, told me everything will be okay and asked about how I was feeling. My Dad went down the town to get me some drinks, and my Mum got on her way to her concert to meet her friend and her friend’s son. I stayed in bed for the afternoon, after my brother kindly helped me change my bed, and I slept.

Tonight, I came back to Uni. If there was a time and a place that I didn’t need any of this crap, it is now. I want it to go. I need it to go. I am on the edge right now, it’s a slippery edge and I’m fighting with all that I am to keep smiling and not give up. Right now, all I want to do is be able to sleep in bed, rest, get better, be around those I love and not worry about meeting deadlines etc.

I’ve really had enough. It’s 03:12am and I’m in agony and feel sick. I have lectures 9am until 1pm today, and work to do and a presentation to prepare, on top of hospital appointments, tests, other meetings and other things to do! Give me a break from all this pain! 😦

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4 Responses to “How long until I reach breaking point?”

  1. sdempster October 8, 2012 at 9:36 am #

    I am truly sorry that all this has bitten you in the proverbial ass again, my dear. I am also truly sorry that I can’t really help much beyond sending you happy/healing thoughts and the hope that this passes quickly for you, allowing you to get back to a normal routine. As always though, you know where I am if you need to chat, rant or otherwise 🙂

    • staceystoma October 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

      Thank you, I always enjoy reading your comments! 🙂 x

  2. Fittleworth October 8, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    We are all thinking of you and sending you a big hug!

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