Less than a week until I move to University. This time next week, I will have officially moved in. It is really starting to hit home now, & I have many mixed emotions. I will have been to the Fresher’s BBQ and will have met my flatmates and lots of other new people. Nerve-racking times!
After having to adapt to getting Stacey last year and still adapting to her, it is going to be another big change to come to terms with. It scares me that all of a sudden my life is going to change in the click of a button majorly, just like it did with my operation. Then there’s the knowledge that I won’t just be adjusting to a whole new life at University, but I will be adjusting to living with Stacey Stoma there too. The fact that she might shout and grumble when I least want her to does scare me, I won’t lie. I worry about bag leaks, pain, whether I’ll eat properly, whether anyone will notice, but, it is the aspect of sudden noise that worries me more than anything, as she can be very talkative! I am just hoping she doesn’t pick her moment that often as a moment that is quiet, like in the middle of a lecture theatre or classroom, and won’t shut up. My whole body language goes tight and closed up when Stacey makes a noise, not so much as it used to or if she makes a noise in a situation where I’m comfortable, like at home. If I’m in a situation or environment where I’m not as comfortable or on edge, I do tense up when I feel Stacey is going to make a noise, or sometimes I don’t know, it just happens then I flinch and immediately move my hand over my bag. It has become a natural reaction and a habit, but I am trying to phase myself out of it, because by doing that, I am just drawing even more attention to myself. Sometimes, when Stacey makes a noise, I can mask most of it by putting something over her. My stoma support waistbands help with the noise to an extent, so that’s something I can use. There are other ways too. For example, if I have my handbag on my knee I can mask it with that so it muffles the sound, or I cough, or sit with my arms crossed slightly bent forward so I don’t make it too obvious. Still, being slap bang in the middle of a lecture theatre creeps me out. This is coming from the girl who had a life saving operation last year and came through it, but there you go! It sometimes is the simplest of things that scare you the most! C’est la vie!
Lecture theatres aren’t going to be really quiet, I guess, and some people who I’ve spoken to like my Mum reassured me that there will be other noises like people coughing and probably even people burping and farting, who knows?! I hope not, but you never know with some people! There will also be other people with other health conditions and other people with ostomies and other things they have to adapt to with University life just like me. Then it bothers me that I cannot really drink alcohol, but then I guess, the people who give me stick over not drinking alcohol aren’t worth my time and obviously have extremely narrow minds. I don’t need alcohol to have fun, but I am sure I will find a way when I am ready to cope with a few drinks without getting ill. I just have to make sure I’m very hydrated, as I have problems with it as well as my appetite at the moment. When I do get an appetite, it comes on suddenly, then I eat and feel sick for a good while after and get the runs. That could be to do with my nerves I guess, but I do have a doctor’s appointment booked for Monday…finally!
This is going to be far from a walk in the park, but with everything I’ve been through, I know I can do it. It is going to be a huge strain on my emotions, as well as physically in some ways with other things I’ve got going on health wise. It will take some settling in, and I doubt I will feel settled until a few months have passed. I will get there though.
I am glad I can go to University, even if it scares the life out of me! I am now able, and that is what is most important. I am so thankful for that, this time last year I had to defer entry, and now I am going, it seems crazy!
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
Ostomism, not Pessimism™