Emotions & less than 3 weeks to go…

26 Aug

Until I move to Uni, yikes! Nervous doesn’t cut it, but I’m also excited for new beginnings and to finally get my life in the direction that I want and have some control over it, without Crohn’s Disease ruling my life and happiness.

I’m a bit up and down with things at the moment, not because of my ostomy, just a bit touch and go with my emotions in general. The other week, I had my anti-depressants upped by 10mg, but I’ve been forgetting to take them/not being wanting to take them. I’ve pulled myself together and started taking them again today, I guess I really have to try to help myself even if it feels pointless at times. People who say depression is a weakness are wrong, depression is a sign that you have been strong for pretty much as long as you can remember, but you just need some help. People who have depression should not feel ashamed. They are not alone. I don’t have many friends at all that I can talk to about how bad I feel sometimes, not properly, but I have two at the moment who I at least try to talk to, even if I do feel like they don’t need to hear me complain! I’m an introvert when it comes to help, very much so. I don’t like to be a burden to people, and as many of you know, it’s a lot easier to bottle your feelings up than it is to share them. I just keep battling on, in the hope that one day soon, things will get a lot better, like when I get settled at University and life really gets under way and I have lots of new opportunities and people in my life. I find it very hard to talk to people about how low I feel at times, I think mainly its just an accumulation of everything that I’ve had to cope with throughout these past 20 years, I think anyone in my position would feel the same way in all fairness. I find myself just wanting to be told things will be okay, and have a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder I feel comfortable to cry on. I find it hard to eat, my appetite is all over the place. I either want to eat loads, or I can’t even manage a biscuit. I’ve spoken to my Dietitian about it, and she is great. Sleep wise, I just can’t switch off on a night until the very early hours, that’s when it hits me the hardest. I can go for days without that much sleep at all, then I can just spend a few days sleeping all morning and then it’s afternoon before I even realise and some days I don’t even feel like getting out of bed, but I still do, I try. Friends that I thought would be there for me thick and thin, don’t even know how I’m feeling or how difficult I find things at times, because they haven’t been there to even try and support me, they are too wrapped up in their own lives. I’d never wish this on anybody else, nobody should feel alone.

Some things I cannot stand at the moment, however, are, for example, if you aren’t even going to try and understand, then don’t get mad at me for being low in mood. I’m sorry, but even some of the people that are closest to me act as if I’m being in a low mood for no reason….I’m not a bad person who is just moody for no reason. Then when I finally pluck up the courage to talk to someone, 9.9 times out of 10, people just throw it all back in my face and just say “things will get better, you’ve got no reason to be depressed” and that’s the end of that. Still doesn’t change the fact that I feel how I do, in fact, that infuriates me even more. Depression is not a competition, it doesn’t matter who has the most or least rubbish going on in their lives…Everything affects everybody in different variations as that individual person. Some thing that might not bother you, might crush somebody else. A lot of what we say has such an impact on other people, so think before you speak, or at least try to understand. People just want to know you are there for them sometimes, they don’t want to hear it if you don’t get why they are depressed. People can’t control it, if they could, do you think they would choose to feel this horrible? No. I’ve had a few counsellors, and to be honest, I just find it difficult and not of much help at all. One thing I do find that helps me is music & singing, I adore singing, it channels a lot of emotion.

On the other hand, I do have a lot to look forward to, and I’m using that as the basis to get me through at the moment, as nervous and apprehensive as I am. The extreme few people that I could count on one hand who actually do try to understand and want to help, I appreciate you so much. No matter what I feel about myself, I know I am strong. I am being strong right now, and doing my best to just take everyday as it comes despite how I feel inside a lot at the moment. It took me a lot to write this post, but I think that shows I am strong in showing people, that even the people who seem the strongest, fall down sometimes. Please bear with me 🙂

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5 Responses to “Emotions & less than 3 weeks to go…”

  1. JOAN ROEBUCK August 26, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    Amy i know what you mean about music,i have a lousey voice but i love to sing when i am down which is alot these days i start to sing ,but the little man who lives at the bottom of my garden is a chior master and he will shout too me joan there a sixpence go sing in the next street i don’t like my next door neighbour she as crohns but not had a op and she can work it is him he comes out and looks at me as if i am shit any i have had enough so i said to him what have i done wrongt too you and he I DON’T WANT TO SPEAK TO A PERSON LIKE YOU ,IT AS NEARLY finished me off ,i got it into my head that nobody likes me round here i would not go out and to tell the truth i did not care if i lived or died any on saturday he came out a said good morning Malcolm and malc who is a very quite man had enough he said to him if you cannot talk to my wife then i don’t ant to speek to you and tell your bloody wife not to speak to me well to cut a long story short we l had words and in the end they asked us round for a drink we said sorry we are going out to meet friends i am glad we have had words and cleaned the air but Amy i can not like him am i been wrong ,I hope with all my heart you settle down at uni our Jordan is having a great time and he love it he is the same age as you a a great lad well gradma would say that we are very close and speak a lot on FB amy my love you just look after your self and remeber you have been tho a lot most people don’t go tho what you have in a life time and you are so young just get out there and enjoy your life i wish you were my grandaughter can i adopt you love GOD BLESS MY LITTLE FRIEND XXXX

    • staceystoma August 27, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

      Joan, thank you so much for your comment 🙂 x

  2. sdempster August 27, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    If you ever feel the need to vent, rant or just have a chat….. you know where to find me 🙂

  3. allthatiwantisaworkingtummy September 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    I know it takes a lot of courage to speak out about depression and having a life changing operation after living with illness, it makes your mind sick too. I have come across your blog and think it’s an inspiration. You write just like it is in life, in fact seeing what I can be a year down the line is what I need to see me through this ostomy. I agree people think we are making our depression up but if they could be in our shoes just for one day they would see what we go through every day we wake up. In fact my friendship circle has changed somewhat since my illness and the closest friends are also in similar situations and we are all like sisters.

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